My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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