And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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