so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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