The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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