The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
