census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
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