I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
