Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
