i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
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I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My breath smells like gin and sadness
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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