I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
