you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
