Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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