I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
