But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
