the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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