Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
