Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
