you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
