is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Randomize
