I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
is wine microwaveable?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
