It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
