Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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