Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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