dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
