if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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