So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
