I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
