i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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