I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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