We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm at about main and main street
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize
