I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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