some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
