I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...