just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the day after is always just damage control
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED