I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
