Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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