I wish my penis had an off switch
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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