see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
