Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
