This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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