Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She said her name was "party"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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