i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
