He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
