The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
