remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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