Cold hands, warm shart.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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