I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
