I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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