How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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