Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
