I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
