I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
