Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sponge bath it is.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball