you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
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4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..