I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This is my gift to your gina
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
