I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
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You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
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Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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