Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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