Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
