I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
why is half of my head shaved?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
