Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
it was like having sex with a tree stump
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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