took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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