Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
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It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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