The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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