Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
